.a glimpse of the abundance.

I think I've been quite successful at this "write in blog every 3 months" plan. Oops..

Now, unfortunately I don't have anything crazy to write about at the moment. Soon I shall write about my summer, lessons learned, anticipations for the next year.. etc.. But at the moment, I just want to be thankful for tonight. It wasn't anything crazy, but much of the youth group went over to Sara's to celebrate her 18th birthday. We had some pizza, volleyed a little, and played some board games. But it was a lot of fun. It's always amazing when you can just feel joy among friends. When we can barely contain our laughter and excitement over the latest joke. When people can be supported, loved, and poked fun at all at the same time. And although it has been a little weird to still hang out with people from the youth group, though they are in high school, and I am not, it has still been awesome to be with them. And I love that God has blessed me with such awesome people. Honestly, it's not any of their doing; it's all Him. I mean, there is probably no way each of us would be friends the way we are. It makes it all the more incredible and meaningful that way though. I will miss being as involved in the youth group, but I will be more thankful for what it has meant for me. I can't imagine my life without each one of those people.

So even though this summer has not even nearly gone as planned, God continues to teach me and mold me into a better servant for him. It's incredibly painful to be broken and taught lessons of humbleness. It's frustrating to be stripped of pride. But when all of it is removed, when I have no more of myself to lean on anymore, it is then when I experience God more. It's a lot more meaningful to experience God's incredible, self-less, uninhibited, unconditional love when you no longer see yourself as quite so 'loveable.' I have done nothing to deserve his love. But he overwhelms me with it.

So tonight I am thankful, for all of the abundance of my life that I don't deserve.

(do not be) anxious in anything

Well, i'm finally writing now after quite a few months. To be honest, I completely forgot I even had a blog for a while. But I feel as though I almost keep a constant blog in my head... figuring out how I would share a glimpse at what I'm learning, who I'm becoming. 

This year went by so fast. And so slow at the same time. It does feel like yesterday when I was packing my grandparents' car, leaving early in the morning, heading out to live in a state I had only visited once before. My parents and Sara saw me off that morning. I cried. I rarely cry, except when I'm truly overwhelmed. I was definitely overwhelmed that morning. I was leaving everyting i was familiar with, everyone I loved to go start something new. I did fine until they prayed for me. We stood on the boardwalk in our backyard, and my mom, dad, Sara, Grandpa and Grandma all put their hands on me and prayed for me. Then, I became completely overwhelmed. Yes, I was sad to leave them. But they would always be there for me, always praying for me and watching out for me. I knew that I was supposed to go. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. But I was still unbelievably anxious. 

Now I sit here, 9 months later, still anxious. Not about leaving to start my first real year of college, or to move out of the house, or to live on the other side of the country... But I'm just plain anxious. about everything it seems. I'm anxious about finding a job: few job opportunites are out there right now, even fewer that would actually work. I have only a few months to work, and this economy is not being very helpful in my frantic search. My mom and dad are doing their best to help me find something, but sometimes I really don't want to follow up on the leads they give me. Why? mostly because they are just plain awkward. I swear my dad presents me as someone much beyond the education and experience I actually have. It's excessively awkward to talk to people that think you're a lot more experienced than you actually are. Also, they keep finding jobs I'm really not interested in doing. I really have no interesting in driving a half hour/45 minutes in traffic to go do childcare for 2-3 hours at night. I love kids, but I feel like I can find something much closer and worth my while. I don't know... Anyway, sometimes I'm getting really frustrated with my parents for all this. They really don't deserve it, but, like a ridiculous 19-year-old, I can easily take it out on them. Then I think of the whole "Honoring your Parents" bit, and I feel like crap. thankfully, they're still awesome and understanding. I'm working on it. 

So yeah, I'm getting anxious about the job search. Mostly because I really need to earn some money for school. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay for school, I really don't. It's hard, but I guess it forces me to really rely on God for the whole thing. I'm going to have to. I have no idea how else I'll get through it. 

So I might go work at camp. It's always something I've wanted to do, though it doesn't exactly pay a whole lot. (though I wouldn't be spending anything I made...). I do think it would be a pretty awesome experience though. I love kids. I love camp. God has done amazing things in my life through camp. It's at camp that I really realized my need for Him, that I realized the reality of Him. But it's going to be up to God if he wants me at camp. I guess we'll see what he has in store :)

Let's see.. other anxieties.. I guess just my use of time. I feel like sometimes I do a really crappy job of being a steward to the gifts and abilities that God has given me. When I know I haven't taken care of things the way I should, I get really down. Every once in a while, I have times where I feel like I can't seem to do anything right. I seem to be having a lot of those moments lately. 

One last anxiety.. of many.. would be friendships. I feel lately I've been really anxious about my part of certain friendships. I really want to love my friends with a selfless, Christ-centered love. But more often than not, I catch myself being rather selfish. I tend to see friendships on my terms. I don't give people the unconditional love they deserve to have. Christ gave me so much love. The least I can do is give a tiny piece of it to others. Sometimes a really suck at the whole "loving others" command.. 

But through all of this, I see how ridiculous I am. I was walking home tonight from the high school band concert, and I was thinking to myself, "Why am I so freaking anxious right now??" And then as soon as I said it, the verse popped in my head. Phillippians 4:6-7. Something i've had memorized for a while.. not that I actually took time to memorize it i think, but it was more like I just gradually memorized it. I like when that happens :)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Why am I so unable to do this naturally? It's so much easier to curl up into a ball, hoping the world will fix itself and that all my problems will be magically solved if I ignore them. But no, we need to come to God with whatever we're going through. Yes, we will still have trails and difficulties, awkward situations and frustrations, but the peace of God will be with us. We just have to stop freaking out and just ask. It's beautiful and humbling to think about. So whatever my anxieties, God's got it under control. Days will pass; many more summers will come. I just have to rest in the arms of my Heavenly Daddy. They are some ridiculously huge and comforting arms. 

welll....

so i haven't written since.. october? Wow. I guess i forgot i had a blog I guess. 

So anyway, i think this week has been one of my hardest. I just always seem to be behind. I pulled an all-nighter on Sunday night, and finished just in time to take a shower and get to my first class. Sometimes i think that architecture (or archi-torture, as Greg calls it...) is actually killing me slowly. Now, that doesn't mean that i don't like it. Sometimes it's so rewarding. 

For example, on Monday at our big critique, i was the first one to present (oh joy, i love when i have no idea how to present.. and I magically go first...). But it went really well. Obviously, one of my designs was so much stronger than the other, but that was just because I spent a ridiculous amount of time developing and perfecting my first. She (Yan Chu, my section leader) didn't necessarily not like the first design, but she just pointed out the fact that I didn't exactly have a very developed idea behind it. Which I was fine with. I wasn't exactly head-over-heals for the design in the first place. What I thought was funny was that everyone (students) seemed to love it and thought it was so great and modern. Ha. 

Anyway, the second design i spent a lot of time on. Lots and lots. I sketched it. I played around with it a ton in Rhino (a computer modeling software.... like AutoCADish...). I worked hard on it. And i was really pleased with it. It would be a park that i would want to hang out it. Definitely. So anyway, i had a lot of ideas going on in that design, mostly involving the overlap of materials and spaces so as to create (and partially force) different movements through the spaces and outlooks on the space as a whole. I didn't want the cement drives to be seperated from the crushed white stone walkway which would be so separated from the benches, separate from the shelters, seperate from the trees and areas of foliage and especially separate from the water area. I wanted to integrate EVERYTHING and spent FOREVER doing it and, in my opinion, did it rather marvelously. I was pleased. Though Leon (another section leader/prof, of Indian origin....VERY OPINIONATED)  did not really like my design at all and thought my integration of spaces was insignificant as a whole. WRONG. Yan thought the design rocked (my own words..) .. and proceded to basically explain in full detail the intent of the space as she had interpreted it... which was exactly how i had planned it!!!! Victory! Does this sound very exciting to anyone but me? no. But these small victories make me know that this is what i'm supposed to do. I LOVE figuring out these small details and designing and planning everything. it just gives  me a lot of joy. so when i get any positive feedback, it basically makes my day. It's super exciting :D