This year went by so fast. And so slow at the same time. It does feel like yesterday when I was packing my grandparents' car, leaving early in the morning, heading out to live in a state I had only visited once before. My parents and Sara saw me off that morning. I cried. I rarely cry, except when I'm truly overwhelmed. I was definitely overwhelmed that morning. I was leaving everyting i was familiar with, everyone I loved to go start something new. I did fine until they prayed for me. We stood on the boardwalk in our backyard, and my mom, dad, Sara, Grandpa and Grandma all put their hands on me and prayed for me. Then, I became completely overwhelmed. Yes, I was sad to leave them. But they would always be there for me, always praying for me and watching out for me. I knew that I was supposed to go. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. But I was still unbelievably anxious.
Now I sit here, 9 months later, still anxious. Not about leaving to start my first real year of college, or to move out of the house, or to live on the other side of the country... But I'm just plain anxious. about everything it seems. I'm anxious about finding a job: few job opportunites are out there right now, even fewer that would actually work. I have only a few months to work, and this economy is not being very helpful in my frantic search. My mom and dad are doing their best to help me find something, but sometimes I really don't want to follow up on the leads they give me. Why? mostly because they are just plain awkward. I swear my dad presents me as someone much beyond the education and experience I actually have. It's excessively awkward to talk to people that think you're a lot more experienced than you actually are. Also, they keep finding jobs I'm really not interested in doing. I really have no interesting in driving a half hour/45 minutes in traffic to go do childcare for 2-3 hours at night. I love kids, but I feel like I can find something much closer and worth my while. I don't know... Anyway, sometimes I'm getting really frustrated with my parents for all this. They really don't deserve it, but, like a ridiculous 19-year-old, I can easily take it out on them. Then I think of the whole "Honoring your Parents" bit, and I feel like crap. thankfully, they're still awesome and understanding. I'm working on it.
So yeah, I'm getting anxious about the job search. Mostly because I really need to earn some money for school. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to pay for school, I really don't. It's hard, but I guess it forces me to really rely on God for the whole thing. I'm going to have to. I have no idea how else I'll get through it.
So I might go work at camp. It's always something I've wanted to do, though it doesn't exactly pay a whole lot. (though I wouldn't be spending anything I made...). I do think it would be a pretty awesome experience though. I love kids. I love camp. God has done amazing things in my life through camp. It's at camp that I really realized my need for Him, that I realized the reality of Him. But it's going to be up to God if he wants me at camp. I guess we'll see what he has in store :)
Let's see.. other anxieties.. I guess just my use of time. I feel like sometimes I do a really crappy job of being a steward to the gifts and abilities that God has given me. When I know I haven't taken care of things the way I should, I get really down. Every once in a while, I have times where I feel like I can't seem to do anything right. I seem to be having a lot of those moments lately.
One last anxiety.. of many.. would be friendships. I feel lately I've been really anxious about my part of certain friendships. I really want to love my friends with a selfless, Christ-centered love. But more often than not, I catch myself being rather selfish. I tend to see friendships on my terms. I don't give people the unconditional love they deserve to have. Christ gave me so much love. The least I can do is give a tiny piece of it to others. Sometimes a really suck at the whole "loving others" command..
But through all of this, I see how ridiculous I am. I was walking home tonight from the high school band concert, and I was thinking to myself, "Why am I so freaking anxious right now??" And then as soon as I said it, the verse popped in my head. Phillippians 4:6-7. Something i've had memorized for a while.. not that I actually took time to memorize it i think, but it was more like I just gradually memorized it. I like when that happens :)
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Why am I so unable to do this naturally? It's so much easier to curl up into a ball, hoping the world will fix itself and that all my problems will be magically solved if I ignore them. But no, we need to come to God with whatever we're going through. Yes, we will still have trails and difficulties, awkward situations and frustrations, but the peace of God will be with us. We just have to stop freaking out and just ask. It's beautiful and humbling to think about. So whatever my anxieties, God's got it under control. Days will pass; many more summers will come. I just have to rest in the arms of my Heavenly Daddy. They are some ridiculously huge and comforting arms.
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